I don't know why I am the way I am. I don't know why I do the things I do.
I didn't make any resolutions in the beginning of this year. However, a few days ago I decided there is a resolution I need to make- I need to stop keeping things to myself all the time!
Whenever someone close to me, angers me or hurts me I refrain from giving them a piece of mind. I feel that if the person isn't smart enough to realise it on his own then there is no point in trying to explain to him anyway. Besides, I hate confronting people and I hate being the whiney girl who is constantly complaining about something or the other.
I either use silent treatment to make the person realise his mistake or I just pretend like nothing has happened. At the same time I show no signs of how their words or actions are killing me on the inside.
Recently I realised how all the unshared information was building up inside me. It was becoming too much for me to bear. I also felt that the people who should have realised and changed by now havn't changed in the least continue to hurt me and anger me in the same way they used to.
When Q persisted I give him a reason for what I did, I kept avoiding it in the beginning. But last night I thought to myself, if there is a person who deserves know more than anybody else, how hurt I am, it is Q.
I couldn't tell him face to face. I couldn't even do it over the phone. So I decided to send him a long mail. I told everything, without missing out on any of the details.
I don't know if he's read it yet. It's the first time I've really opened my heart out without caring about how stupid I sound. It just feels so weird becuse I have revealed a part of myself that I have been hiding for so long. I finally let out all the emotions I've never let out before.
A part of me feels relieved. I made resolution and I followed it. However, I can't help feeling a teensy bit stupid and really, really anxious at the same time. I don't know if I've done the right thing. I know for a fact that I'd regret both ways. Now I'm just hoping everything turns out to be fine....
Till them I'm going to try not to think about it!
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hey :)
I just wanted to say thanks for the comment you gave me...it I was really in sort of a rut you inspired me very much.
I know exactly how you feel. I had the same passive (or passive agressive) thing happening to me a lot. Most of my self-confidence was based on what others thought of me. Sometimes, when you aren't used to confrontation, writing is the best way to get something off your chest- and it's certainly a good start on the pathway to being more assertive. Now, I don't really give a damn what people think (but that involved some very life-altering experiences, maybe you should fo slower ;) )
It's perfectly normal to feel silly, but don't think to much about it, you are who your are, and you are the only one who has a right to judge yourself. :D
keep blogging!
pdaervo